I used to keep a dream journal, a little book that I'd write my strange and crazy dreams in when I woke up (if and when I remembered them). Did you ever have a dream that you knew someone really well, but in real life you hardly knew them at all? I had one like that.
A new girl started working at Expo and I got paired with her to go around the store and check pricing. During this all day process, she told me all about her bizarre relationship with her boyfriend in more detail than necessary. So it wasn't that big a surprise when I had a dream about work, and in this dream, I knew her very well. It wasn't a romantic dream, just one where we knew each other as if old time friends. I almost didn't write it down at all, since I already knew where it came from. But I did. Then I got up and went to work like any other day.
When I got home, my ex was waiting for me. Apparently, she had made a habit of reading my dream journal or anything else I wrote when I was at work. (I would later find it wasn't just that, but my email and other things as well). She was furious, demanding to know why I was "dreaming about another woman".
I know this kind of scenario is usually used as a joke. Or reverse, when a woman has a dream her significant other is cheating and wakes up angry and starts arguing with him. But there was nothing humorous this time. She was threatening to call my job or to come up to my job and confront this girl (who, keep in mind, I barely knew). I tried to calm her down but she was insistent on arguing and we downward spiraled into the same old argument.
This time I made the mistake of trying to change her perspective. I told her, just because I hadn't planned on marrying her, didn't mean that I didn't love her or that it wasn't my willing choice. I told her I had been a naive boy searching for a stereotypical "diamond" but instead I had discovered a strange and new exotic jewel (her) and that the unexpected surprise was even better and more real to me. It was the best way I knew how to describe how I felt. She quieted down at that moment.
But forever after, whenever we argued, her new line would be, "I'm not your diamond, I'm just someone you settled for!"
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Summer of 2003: "You never loved me! You never wanted to marry me!"
When I first started working at Home Expo in Utica, Michigan, my ex and I had only Justin. We were living in a single bedroom apartment in Harrison Twp, not far from the home I grew up in. It was a nice area, very close to Lake St. Clair and all the marinas and seafood restaurants.
I used to play poker Monday nights with an old crew from the movie theater I worked at in high school, but that ended after my ex repeatedly made drama, called me and made excuses for me to leave and return home. One time she called and demanded I come home and kill a spider. No joke. And either way, I'd get the cold shoulder when I returned home. So she could really make sure I knew how unhappy she was that I continued to hang out with my friends. Eventually, it wasn't worth the stress, so I just stopped going.
When I got bored of having no social life and never hanging out with friends, I suggested to some coworkers at Expo that we all go play cards and pool at a bar right down the street from work. People started going and once a week or so, we'd all hang out after work. It was really the only social thing I did. Of course, the ex didn't like this any more than she liked the poker games.
Soon, every argument we got into always ended with the same statement "You never loved me. You never wanted to marry me!"
It didn't matter if the argument started over who should take out the garbage or which groceries we needed, it always ended in the same place, "You never loved me. You never wanted to marry me!"
I can't tell you how many times I heard this over the years, or how many times I tried to argue that I did on both accounts, and that if I didn't, I wouldn't have done all the things I did for her. (She had a VERY selective memory). It was all I could do to try and understand why nothing I said or did made a difference. I could spend all day planning a unique Valentine's Day surprise - sprinkling a path of flower petals to lead her to one place with lit candles and a small note, then sprinkling a different kind of petal pathway leading to a different room with a different set of candles and a different themed note - and so forth throughout the home. The end would be a big heart-shaped box of varied chocolates and a large love note. This would make her happy for about a day, maybe two if I was lucky. Then she'd rage at me for something else, with the same statements again, "You never loved me. You never wanted to marry me!"
It was absolutely exhausting. And it was only going to get worse.
I used to play poker Monday nights with an old crew from the movie theater I worked at in high school, but that ended after my ex repeatedly made drama, called me and made excuses for me to leave and return home. One time she called and demanded I come home and kill a spider. No joke. And either way, I'd get the cold shoulder when I returned home. So she could really make sure I knew how unhappy she was that I continued to hang out with my friends. Eventually, it wasn't worth the stress, so I just stopped going.
When I got bored of having no social life and never hanging out with friends, I suggested to some coworkers at Expo that we all go play cards and pool at a bar right down the street from work. People started going and once a week or so, we'd all hang out after work. It was really the only social thing I did. Of course, the ex didn't like this any more than she liked the poker games.
Soon, every argument we got into always ended with the same statement "You never loved me. You never wanted to marry me!"
It didn't matter if the argument started over who should take out the garbage or which groceries we needed, it always ended in the same place, "You never loved me. You never wanted to marry me!"
I can't tell you how many times I heard this over the years, or how many times I tried to argue that I did on both accounts, and that if I didn't, I wouldn't have done all the things I did for her. (She had a VERY selective memory). It was all I could do to try and understand why nothing I said or did made a difference. I could spend all day planning a unique Valentine's Day surprise - sprinkling a path of flower petals to lead her to one place with lit candles and a small note, then sprinkling a different kind of petal pathway leading to a different room with a different set of candles and a different themed note - and so forth throughout the home. The end would be a big heart-shaped box of varied chocolates and a large love note. This would make her happy for about a day, maybe two if I was lucky. Then she'd rage at me for something else, with the same statements again, "You never loved me. You never wanted to marry me!"
It was absolutely exhausting. And it was only going to get worse.
Summer of 2001: "Why do you still have these letters?!"
A thing or two about Red Flags
For a long time, years actually, my life was so messed up that when my former coworkers were having a bad day, they'd come ask me what was happening in my life so that they could feel better about their own. They told me as much. My train-wreck divorce with five kids and subsequent disastrous relationship with a Persian living in Amsterdam were the shop's entertainment. I told the unbelievable stories with a smile. That's the thing about having a fucked up life - everyone wants to hear about it. If your life is going well, nobody cares. I supposed smooth lives are boring. Drama makes the world go round.
There are a lot of crazy stories out there, I'm sure - a lot of crazy ex's roaming about. The difference for me, is that my ex-wife is exceedingly clever as well as crazy. Most crazy ex's end up losing in the end, because they say or do something stupid and lose their power. Mine, on the other hand, is shockingly shrewd and calculating. She often spends days researching the details of whatever plot she's preparing next for me. This has always been her number one talent - finding details and exploiting them. Her number two talent is taking advantage of other people's generosity and compassion. She has, what psychologists call a High Conflict Personality. Most HCPs suffer from either Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (but not all). But I'll get to that later - for now I just want to say something about red flags.
Red flags. We've all heard the term before, in regards to relationships, but how often do we actually listen? There's a reason for the name Red Flag. It means STOP! DANGER! WARNING!
When I started dating my ex-wife, there were many. And I ignored them all. Those of you who know my situation are probably shaking your heads. Hindsight is twenty-twenty, right? Unfortunately, hindsight is like the answer key in the back of your math book. Everything makes perfect sense once you have the answer. But when you're in the middle of trying to solve that algebraic formula, it's not so apparent. It's always easy to reverse-engineer a problem. Unfortunately, you can't reverse-engineer your life.
As Vernon Law once said, "Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward."
The first time my ex got upset with me, we were only dating. She had gone through my old romantic letters, piled in dusty boxes on the shelves in the basement - read all of them actually. She was upset that I still had them. Keep in mind, these letters and notes were years old. Mostly just from two previous relationships to which I hadn't spoken to the other party in years. But she came at me demanding answers. Demanding. Again - we were only dating, just in the beginning of the relationship.
I remember the red flag waving in my mind. It was saying, Steven, the first time you've invited her to your house since you started dating and she's already ransacked your room and your personal items (cleverly waiting for you to go outside first)! Now she's accusing YOU! I felt violated, to be honest. But I figured, she's just young and insecure, so I ignored it.
"Why did you marry her?" - that's the number one question I get asked when people hear my story. Of course, my ex wasn't as crazy in the beginning. It was a gradual progression that took years to get where it ended.
But the short answer is, she was pregnant. I had actually just broken up with her, if you can believe that. Mostly because she was obsessing over me and giving me no room to breathe. I had told her repeatedly and often that I was the type of guy who needed a little more space and that she shouldn't be with me if she couldn't handle it. She couldn't - but she stayed anyway. That was Red Flag #2. But I was also young and naive and unfamiliar with people who have an irrational fear of abandonment.
When I saw that ultrasound picture, that little life that would become my first son, Justin, I only wanted to be a father and for my son to have a family. I thought - we can make this work. After all, my parents argued for years, but they made it work. I figured, if two people want to make it work, they can. No matter what comes their way - if they are both set on the same goal - nothing can stop them. That's the reality side of true love. Not just the feeling, but the willpower and determination and in the end, the perseverance.
This works in most cases. Most level-headed people can work through anything if they truly put their minds to it. Unfortunately, not everyone is level-headed. In my case... well, if you don't already know, you're about to find out...
Friday, December 21, 2012
Live Your Life
Christmas 2012
So, whenever you have a court ordered schedule of visitation for children, both parents are expected to follow the times specifically and as closely as possible. (Hence the reason for the court order in the first place).
My schedule dictates I have the kids from 8 am to 8 pm on Christmas. The exchanges can take place anywhere. I have been paying a place called Hannah's House for supervised exchanges up until this point because they document everything and it's the only way to ensure my ex follows the schedule.
Unfortunately, Hannah's House is only open 9 am to 1 pm on Christmas. I agreed to lose an hour so we could use Hannah's House in the morning exchange (it's only an hour). But 1 pm to 8 pm is a 7 hour cut of my time, that's more than half the day! Plus it means I don't even get Christmas dinner with the kids. So naturally, I said we'd have to find another place to exchange the kids.
My ex, however, seeing an opportunity to cause drama, said she just "didn't feel safe" exchanging them anywhere but Hannah's House. Keep in mind, whenever she made plans on her own time, she would try and proposition me to watch the kids for her and would offer any old place for the swap - YMCA or police station parking lots, etc. Really, she just wanted a free babysitter. But now, all of a sudden, she doesn't feel safe with either of those places. Because we all know how dangerous a police station parking lot can be.
At any rate, she's clearly trying to make me contact her out of anger. I've cut off all communication (per the restraining order that SHE filed). Now she's just looking to find any way to get me to contact her that she can. She's thinking that by denying me over half my legally-entitled time (knowing that she will pay NO consequences for the act) that I will be upset. She's counting on me ranting at her for it.
But I decided to listen to Dani and not give her the satisfaction. Sure, the kids will lose half their Christmas and that sucks. Sure, I have to spend even more money on the supervised exchanges, money that won't go to Christmas presents or even bills or food now. But you can't be responsible for your ex's decisions. You can't stop the things they will do. It sucks that the children get punished for their madness, but if you let them ensnare you in their tangled web, your life will be too ruined to help the kids at all. You have to stop yourself and just deal with the time that is given you.
That might sound cliche, but it's the truth. It's not a sin to live your life. Whenever your children can be a part of it, include them and teach them and love them. Create traditions for just you and the kids. But don't play by your ex's rules. Your ex will force you (if as petty as mine is) to make sacrifices. It hurts, but make the sacrifice. Her/his victory is shallow. And in the end, the kids will know who stood true. Teach them by example, not to let another bitter person control their life by dragging them endlessly into petty drama. Live your life.
So, whenever you have a court ordered schedule of visitation for children, both parents are expected to follow the times specifically and as closely as possible. (Hence the reason for the court order in the first place).
My schedule dictates I have the kids from 8 am to 8 pm on Christmas. The exchanges can take place anywhere. I have been paying a place called Hannah's House for supervised exchanges up until this point because they document everything and it's the only way to ensure my ex follows the schedule.
Unfortunately, Hannah's House is only open 9 am to 1 pm on Christmas. I agreed to lose an hour so we could use Hannah's House in the morning exchange (it's only an hour). But 1 pm to 8 pm is a 7 hour cut of my time, that's more than half the day! Plus it means I don't even get Christmas dinner with the kids. So naturally, I said we'd have to find another place to exchange the kids.
My ex, however, seeing an opportunity to cause drama, said she just "didn't feel safe" exchanging them anywhere but Hannah's House. Keep in mind, whenever she made plans on her own time, she would try and proposition me to watch the kids for her and would offer any old place for the swap - YMCA or police station parking lots, etc. Really, she just wanted a free babysitter. But now, all of a sudden, she doesn't feel safe with either of those places. Because we all know how dangerous a police station parking lot can be.
At any rate, she's clearly trying to make me contact her out of anger. I've cut off all communication (per the restraining order that SHE filed). Now she's just looking to find any way to get me to contact her that she can. She's thinking that by denying me over half my legally-entitled time (knowing that she will pay NO consequences for the act) that I will be upset. She's counting on me ranting at her for it.
But I decided to listen to Dani and not give her the satisfaction. Sure, the kids will lose half their Christmas and that sucks. Sure, I have to spend even more money on the supervised exchanges, money that won't go to Christmas presents or even bills or food now. But you can't be responsible for your ex's decisions. You can't stop the things they will do. It sucks that the children get punished for their madness, but if you let them ensnare you in their tangled web, your life will be too ruined to help the kids at all. You have to stop yourself and just deal with the time that is given you.
That might sound cliche, but it's the truth. It's not a sin to live your life. Whenever your children can be a part of it, include them and teach them and love them. Create traditions for just you and the kids. But don't play by your ex's rules. Your ex will force you (if as petty as mine is) to make sacrifices. It hurts, but make the sacrifice. Her/his victory is shallow. And in the end, the kids will know who stood true. Teach them by example, not to let another bitter person control their life by dragging them endlessly into petty drama. Live your life.
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