A thing or two about Red Flags
For a long time, years actually, my life was so messed up that when my former coworkers were having a bad day, they'd come ask me what was happening in my life so that they could feel better about their own. They told me as much. My train-wreck divorce with five kids and subsequent disastrous relationship with a Persian living in Amsterdam were the shop's entertainment. I told the unbelievable stories with a smile. That's the thing about having a fucked up life - everyone wants to hear about it. If your life is going well, nobody cares. I supposed smooth lives are boring. Drama makes the world go round.
There are a lot of crazy stories out there, I'm sure - a lot of crazy ex's roaming about. The difference for me, is that my ex-wife is exceedingly clever as well as crazy. Most crazy ex's end up losing in the end, because they say or do something stupid and lose their power. Mine, on the other hand, is shockingly shrewd and calculating. She often spends days researching the details of whatever plot she's preparing next for me. This has always been her number one talent - finding details and exploiting them. Her number two talent is taking advantage of other people's generosity and compassion. She has, what psychologists call a High Conflict Personality. Most HCPs suffer from either Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (but not all). But I'll get to that later - for now I just want to say something about red flags.
Red flags. We've all heard the term before, in regards to relationships, but how often do we actually listen? There's a reason for the name Red Flag. It means STOP! DANGER! WARNING!
When I started dating my ex-wife, there were many. And I ignored them all. Those of you who know my situation are probably shaking your heads. Hindsight is twenty-twenty, right? Unfortunately, hindsight is like the answer key in the back of your math book. Everything makes perfect sense once you have the answer. But when you're in the middle of trying to solve that algebraic formula, it's not so apparent. It's always easy to reverse-engineer a problem. Unfortunately, you can't reverse-engineer your life.
As Vernon Law once said, "Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward."
The first time my ex got upset with me, we were only dating. She had gone through my old romantic letters, piled in dusty boxes on the shelves in the basement - read all of them actually. She was upset that I still had them. Keep in mind, these letters and notes were years old. Mostly just from two previous relationships to which I hadn't spoken to the other party in years. But she came at me demanding answers. Demanding. Again - we were only dating, just in the beginning of the relationship.
I remember the red flag waving in my mind. It was saying, Steven, the first time you've invited her to your house since you started dating and she's already ransacked your room and your personal items (cleverly waiting for you to go outside first)! Now she's accusing YOU! I felt violated, to be honest. But I figured, she's just young and insecure, so I ignored it.
"Why did you marry her?" - that's the number one question I get asked when people hear my story. Of course, my ex wasn't as crazy in the beginning. It was a gradual progression that took years to get where it ended.
But the short answer is, she was pregnant. I had actually just broken up with her, if you can believe that. Mostly because she was obsessing over me and giving me no room to breathe. I had told her repeatedly and often that I was the type of guy who needed a little more space and that she shouldn't be with me if she couldn't handle it. She couldn't - but she stayed anyway. That was Red Flag #2. But I was also young and naive and unfamiliar with people who have an irrational fear of abandonment.
When I saw that ultrasound picture, that little life that would become my first son, Justin, I only wanted to be a father and for my son to have a family. I thought - we can make this work. After all, my parents argued for years, but they made it work. I figured, if two people want to make it work, they can. No matter what comes their way - if they are both set on the same goal - nothing can stop them. That's the reality side of true love. Not just the feeling, but the willpower and determination and in the end, the perseverance.
This works in most cases. Most level-headed people can work through anything if they truly put their minds to it. Unfortunately, not everyone is level-headed. In my case... well, if you don't already know, you're about to find out...
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