I get an email this morning from my ex, one of the things she said was,
"According to your availability regular webcam schedule is 7pm Saturdays and 7pm Fridays and Sundays with 24 hour notice. I work all of the webcam times, therefore if there is an issue I will not be able to address immediately."
She wrote the last sentence for 2 reasons. 1) She wanted to absolve herself of any responsibility of the kids not being online at the scheduled time, and 2) She knew they wouldn't be online today.
Of course, I took screenshots of them being Offline, but it doesn't really matter. I called the number she gave me several times. The first couple it rang, then it started going straight to voicemail - meaning she turned off the phone. I left a message. I emailed saying I was online. No response.
I just spoke with the kids yesterday. They were super excited to play their game today (which I spent all day working on just for tonight). But I should've expected this.
She also wrote in her email that the kids would call me every day, an hour before I went to school. I responded that this was overkill and completely unnecessary. First, the kids don't need to call me every single day (especially little kids that don't like talking on the phone to begin with). Second, I don't have a cell phone so I'd have to wait around for them to call every day, and that's ridiculous. Not to mention I might actually want to go do other things and go straight to school from there. But this was just another attempt of hers to probe into my weekly schedule and be disruptive. I know for a fact the kids don't want to talk on the phone every single day. That was her device.
I'm writing this because her lawyer just went to court yesterday and confirmed with the judge the Saturdays at 7pm. So this is, technically, her first violation of the new agreement. (She had twelve violations of the last one and that didn't count for anything, so I doubt these will either). I'm just recording it to see how many times she can ignore and violate court orders with absolutely no penalty whatsoever.
I'm sure there's a lot of you out there who have experienced similarly frustrating circumstances. I'm sorry that you have to endure this US court system nonsense.
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Saturday, July 20, 2013
20 July 2013 - Skyping
Now that my ex hijacked the kids and moved them from one side of the country to the other (for the seventh time), I have to rely on video chats to see my kids.
My ex's first attempt to schedule times for video chatting was to tell me, "They can talk at 2 pm, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays." Not - what is your schedule? Or, what times work best for you and I'll see what times work best for me.... That's not how my ex works. She gives ultimatums and demands only. And she tries to make them as inconvenient as possible so that I'll disagree and she can throw her arms in the air and say, "No matter what I do, you disagree. I bend over backwards for you and you reject my attempts to give you time with the kids." That's actually a real quote, btw.
2pm Tues, Thurs and Sat?? Ummm - no? That's right in the middle of the day and completely random as to why. She doesn't have them in school - so it's not like they aren't home all day. No - the reason for this time was because she was trying 1) to be disruptive to my weekly schedule, and 2) to probe for information about my life.
At any rate, I eventually said, "Look, I'm not going to try and make a schedule so you can sabotage it. I'll be on Skype nearly every Saturday at 7 pm your time. If the kids are home and want to chat, they merely have to log on and see if I'm online. That's it."
Rejecting her attempt to control me through a schedule that flickers around her needs, she attempted to sabotage the very next Skype.
I got home at 6:30 (her time) and logged on immediately. According to Skype, they were not online. I waited 40 mins, then sent an email at 7:10 saying, "I'm online, I'll be here for another 10 mins or so and then I'm logging off."
Fortunately, I forgot to log off. At 7:30 they log on. I immediately sent messages. Hey Kids! Can you Skype? Hello? Hello??
Several minutes later a response came, "yes!" Then something peculiar happened. A message appeared before my first message (at 7:30) from her saying that the kids had been logged in for half an hour and were logging off. The message time stamp was 7:15.
Here's the deal - when you send a message, it time stamps when you click 'send'. However, if you're Offline when you send it, it will stamp and then wait until you sign in to deliver. Which means she wrote this message Offline and then signed in later so that the message would show that it was sent at 7:15.
She hadn't expected me to be online. She got my email at 7:10, stating I'd be around another 10 mins or so and then she purposely waited 20 mins and then signed on so the message would send. When I was still online and messaged her, she was caught off guard and had to let the kids talk or make up some last minute excuse. So she let them talk.
This is how clever she is when it comes to sabotage and manipulation. She knew Skype doesn't time stamp when you log in - only when you send messages. So if I hadn't been online, the records would show that her message was sent at 7:15. Brilliant, huh? Too bad I forgot to log off and disrupted her plans, Lol.
The thing you have to think about is - if she puts that much time and planning into the sabotaging of a single random video chat - just imagine how much plotting and manipulating she's doing when it's something important... This is what I have to deal with for the next 17 years of my life...
My ex's first attempt to schedule times for video chatting was to tell me, "They can talk at 2 pm, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays." Not - what is your schedule? Or, what times work best for you and I'll see what times work best for me.... That's not how my ex works. She gives ultimatums and demands only. And she tries to make them as inconvenient as possible so that I'll disagree and she can throw her arms in the air and say, "No matter what I do, you disagree. I bend over backwards for you and you reject my attempts to give you time with the kids." That's actually a real quote, btw.
2pm Tues, Thurs and Sat?? Ummm - no? That's right in the middle of the day and completely random as to why. She doesn't have them in school - so it's not like they aren't home all day. No - the reason for this time was because she was trying 1) to be disruptive to my weekly schedule, and 2) to probe for information about my life.
At any rate, I eventually said, "Look, I'm not going to try and make a schedule so you can sabotage it. I'll be on Skype nearly every Saturday at 7 pm your time. If the kids are home and want to chat, they merely have to log on and see if I'm online. That's it."
Rejecting her attempt to control me through a schedule that flickers around her needs, she attempted to sabotage the very next Skype.
I got home at 6:30 (her time) and logged on immediately. According to Skype, they were not online. I waited 40 mins, then sent an email at 7:10 saying, "I'm online, I'll be here for another 10 mins or so and then I'm logging off."
Fortunately, I forgot to log off. At 7:30 they log on. I immediately sent messages. Hey Kids! Can you Skype? Hello? Hello??
Several minutes later a response came, "yes!" Then something peculiar happened. A message appeared before my first message (at 7:30) from her saying that the kids had been logged in for half an hour and were logging off. The message time stamp was 7:15.
Here's the deal - when you send a message, it time stamps when you click 'send'. However, if you're Offline when you send it, it will stamp and then wait until you sign in to deliver. Which means she wrote this message Offline and then signed in later so that the message would show that it was sent at 7:15.
She hadn't expected me to be online. She got my email at 7:10, stating I'd be around another 10 mins or so and then she purposely waited 20 mins and then signed on so the message would send. When I was still online and messaged her, she was caught off guard and had to let the kids talk or make up some last minute excuse. So she let them talk.
This is how clever she is when it comes to sabotage and manipulation. She knew Skype doesn't time stamp when you log in - only when you send messages. So if I hadn't been online, the records would show that her message was sent at 7:15. Brilliant, huh? Too bad I forgot to log off and disrupted her plans, Lol.
The thing you have to think about is - if she puts that much time and planning into the sabotaging of a single random video chat - just imagine how much plotting and manipulating she's doing when it's something important... This is what I have to deal with for the next 17 years of my life...
Cease and Desist
One particular weekend, my kids asked if they could visit again the next weekend (which would've been the 4th weekend of the month).
I told them, "Well it's not my weekend, but you're always welcome if your mother allows it."
The next day after they went back to their mother, I got a Cease and Desist letter/email from my ex's lawyer.
Here are a couple excerpts from this long message:
"I am writing to remind you of a principle of co-parenting, particularly in high conflict cases. In short, the children are not to be used as messengers. I am very confident that you were instructed in your high conflict parent education program that this tactic is incredibly harmful for your children.
The children will be instructed not to transfer messages from you to Ms. Boyce. This puts the children in the middle of issues which they have no say in. Further, it makes the children responsible if a message is inadvertently miscommunicated., or forgotten Both are unacceptable positions for the children. Ms. Boyce's email continues to be available to you;"
These are just two paragraphs of a much longer message - all in response to me saying that one sentence to the kids.
So, for something as simple as the kids coming home excited and asking their mother if they could go back next weekend - my ex freaked out, emailed her lawyer THAT day and insisted I was trafficking messages through the children and violating the restraining order.
Seeing the pattern yet?
I told them, "Well it's not my weekend, but you're always welcome if your mother allows it."
The next day after they went back to their mother, I got a Cease and Desist letter/email from my ex's lawyer.
Here are a couple excerpts from this long message:
"I am writing to remind you of a principle of co-parenting, particularly in high conflict cases. In short, the children are not to be used as messengers. I am very confident that you were instructed in your high conflict parent education program that this tactic is incredibly harmful for your children.
The children will be instructed not to transfer messages from you to Ms. Boyce. This puts the children in the middle of issues which they have no say in. Further, it makes the children responsible if a message is inadvertently miscommunicated., or forgotten Both are unacceptable positions for the children. Ms. Boyce's email continues to be available to you;"
These are just two paragraphs of a much longer message - all in response to me saying that one sentence to the kids.
So, for something as simple as the kids coming home excited and asking their mother if they could go back next weekend - my ex freaked out, emailed her lawyer THAT day and insisted I was trafficking messages through the children and violating the restraining order.
Seeing the pattern yet?
Sunday, July 7, 2013
13 May 2013 - Addy's Ballet
The past weekend was supposed to be my weekend with the kids. (I have the first 3 weekends of every month). Since Addy's birthday was the following Tuesday, I had already told her and the kids that we'd celebrate her birthday that weekend. I'd even told Addy's friend that lives upstairs that she was invited. No doubt the kids, in their excitement, mentioned this to their mother. Towards the approach of the weekend, Thursday I think, Hannah's House, the exchange place, emailed me telling me that Addy would not be able to visit this weekend because she had a Ballet performance on Saturday afternoon at Balboa Park.
First, let me say, my ex-wife was told specifically _by the judge_ not to schedule activities for the kids on my time (weekends). She was told this because, knowing that the weekends would once again be my time with the kids, she went ahead and signed them up for basketball, swim team, ballet, cub scouts and dance teams - all on the weekend. I'm not kidding you when I say that the entire weekend was full.
Also, keep in mind, that she was homeschooling them so they had no required schedule during the week. The whole point of homeschooling is making your own schedule. But even if they had been in a real school, they could do what everyone else calls 'after-school activities' during the week. But anyway, let's not beat a dead horse.
First, let me say, my ex-wife was told specifically _by the judge_ not to schedule activities for the kids on my time (weekends). She was told this because, knowing that the weekends would once again be my time with the kids, she went ahead and signed them up for basketball, swim team, ballet, cub scouts and dance teams - all on the weekend. I'm not kidding you when I say that the entire weekend was full.
Also, keep in mind, that she was homeschooling them so they had no required schedule during the week. The whole point of homeschooling is making your own schedule. But even if they had been in a real school, they could do what everyone else calls 'after-school activities' during the week. But anyway, let's not beat a dead horse.
Knowing she could no longer control my time with the kids on the weekend, she pulled a different maneuver. She scheduled them in things, like Addy's ballet and the boys' cub scouts, that met during the week yet had performances and camping trips on the weekends.
Thus, Addy had a performance on Saturday afternoon. No big deal, right? She can still visit for the weekend. _I_ will take her to her performance.
That was when Hannah's House informed me, 'This is not possible, as the mother has volunteered at the event, and due to the restraining order, you are unable to attend'.
Thus, I was unable to see Addy that weekend. The worse part is, my ex told Addy that I would be picking her up after the event. So I got a sad email from Addy asking me why I wasn't there and why I didn't come to get her. And if I even attempted to tell her the truth, I would get another Cease and Desist letter from my ex's lawyer, telling me that I was slandering the mother and would be taken to court again for violating the visitation agreement.
So the end result was, no visitation with Addy, birthday party cancelled, ballet performance unattended, and my daughter left wondering why I wasn't there.
Thus, Addy had a performance on Saturday afternoon. No big deal, right? She can still visit for the weekend. _I_ will take her to her performance.
That was when Hannah's House informed me, 'This is not possible, as the mother has volunteered at the event, and due to the restraining order, you are unable to attend'.
Thus, I was unable to see Addy that weekend. The worse part is, my ex told Addy that I would be picking her up after the event. So I got a sad email from Addy asking me why I wasn't there and why I didn't come to get her. And if I even attempted to tell her the truth, I would get another Cease and Desist letter from my ex's lawyer, telling me that I was slandering the mother and would be taken to court again for violating the visitation agreement.
So the end result was, no visitation with Addy, birthday party cancelled, ballet performance unattended, and my daughter left wondering why I wasn't there.
5 July 2013 - Lawsuit part 1
There's nothing to ruin a 4th of July celebration like knowing you have to get up at 6 am the next morning to go to court to be sued by your ex-wife. What makes it even better is when you drive downtown, pay for all day parking (because you know that's how long it will take) only to find out that the court has moved the hearing off calendar (meaning it is to be rescheduled but they haven't chosen a date yet) and not bothered to let you know. Thanks California Courts!
I'd like to add, at this point, that the reason my ex is suing me is because at the time of the divorce, I agreed to handle the debts. I did this by filing chapter 7 (which I was well within qualifying criteria for). I included her in the bankruptcy, rewriting all the paperwork and having her sign it at the office. Then, a couple weeks before the actual time of speaking with the judge to confirm the bankruptcy, she skips town with the kids. (This was the second time she had done that).
Laws of Bankruptcy require the filer to be AT the hearing. You cannot be out of state or do a phone-hearing. I told her this, of course, but she was un-phased. So I went through with it. Keep in mind, most of the debt was under my name only, anyways.
When she learned that I got out of all the debt she wanted me to pay (and which she wasn't even liable for), she filed a lawsuit. She used my agreement to take care of the debts at the time of divorce as her grounds for the lawsuit.
However, the debts she listed on the lawsuit included the student loans she had before I even met her, two credit cards she opened up and maxed out behind my back while we were married. She did this by telling me that all the packages coming in the mail were gifts from her family... even though we had plenty of money as I was still in the Navy with free housing and full E4 pay plus sea pay and nuke pay.
When we had gone to marital counseling, the counselors told her that her homework was to tell me about these credit cards. The counselor determined that she had done this not out of necessity (as I was gone at sea and she controlled most of the funds anyway) but out of a need to be secretive and do something without me knowing. Which, if you think about it, makes no sense since, again, I was gone most of the time and didn't know what she was doing anyhow.
I hope I did a well-enough job of showing that this lawsuit has nothing to do with financial need (at the time she filed it I was already paying $2,200 a month in child support, $500 a month in medical and dental, and was just ordered to pay another $400 in spousal support - that's $3,100 a month - which was more than 100% of my total net earnings from my job). Also, keep in mind, that she had free housing and no car payment - so her only bills were food and clothing.
I'll let you guess where all that money was going.
I'd like to add, at this point, that the reason my ex is suing me is because at the time of the divorce, I agreed to handle the debts. I did this by filing chapter 7 (which I was well within qualifying criteria for). I included her in the bankruptcy, rewriting all the paperwork and having her sign it at the office. Then, a couple weeks before the actual time of speaking with the judge to confirm the bankruptcy, she skips town with the kids. (This was the second time she had done that).
Laws of Bankruptcy require the filer to be AT the hearing. You cannot be out of state or do a phone-hearing. I told her this, of course, but she was un-phased. So I went through with it. Keep in mind, most of the debt was under my name only, anyways.
When she learned that I got out of all the debt she wanted me to pay (and which she wasn't even liable for), she filed a lawsuit. She used my agreement to take care of the debts at the time of divorce as her grounds for the lawsuit.
However, the debts she listed on the lawsuit included the student loans she had before I even met her, two credit cards she opened up and maxed out behind my back while we were married. She did this by telling me that all the packages coming in the mail were gifts from her family... even though we had plenty of money as I was still in the Navy with free housing and full E4 pay plus sea pay and nuke pay.
When we had gone to marital counseling, the counselors told her that her homework was to tell me about these credit cards. The counselor determined that she had done this not out of necessity (as I was gone at sea and she controlled most of the funds anyway) but out of a need to be secretive and do something without me knowing. Which, if you think about it, makes no sense since, again, I was gone most of the time and didn't know what she was doing anyhow.
I hope I did a well-enough job of showing that this lawsuit has nothing to do with financial need (at the time she filed it I was already paying $2,200 a month in child support, $500 a month in medical and dental, and was just ordered to pay another $400 in spousal support - that's $3,100 a month - which was more than 100% of my total net earnings from my job). Also, keep in mind, that she had free housing and no car payment - so her only bills were food and clothing.
I'll let you guess where all that money was going.
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